


Lucius Malfoy and the Wibbly Wobbly Wand

by Bramblethorn



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M, Multi, Transfiguration (Harry Potter), sexual innuendo, wand dysfunction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2020-01-20 19:27:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18531616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bramblethorn/pseuds/Bramblethorn
Summary: Lucius Malfoy's wand goes wrong. Everybody tries to help.





	Lucius Malfoy and the Wibbly Wobbly Wand

**Author's Note:**

> Posted on behalf of the creator, who wishes to remain anonymous. First posted by Mary West on fanfiction.net.

Lucius Malfoy was a wizard.

Lucius Malfoy loved to wave his wand around.

He would twist it and twirl it

Point it and whirl it

Until magic flew out the end!

Lucius loved his wand.

But one day when Lucius was waving his wand, all the magic went out of it.

His wand went wibbly-wobbly!

"Twist! Twirl! Point! Whirl!" went Lucius.

Wibble, wobble, went his wand.

"Point! Whirl! Twist! Twirl!" went Lucius.

Wibble, wobble, went his wand. It wouldn't work.

"Your wand's gone all flippy-floppy!" said Narcissa Malfoy. "I'll fix it!"

So she took hold of his wand in both hands

And she waved it

And she wiggled it

Blessed it

And blew on it

And said  _"Accio Rigor!"_

But the wand just went wibble, wobble. It wouldn't work.

"You can have my walnut wand," said Narcissa. "I keep it in my drawer. It's just as good as yours."

"Thank you, Narcissa, but I want  _my_ wand to work."

Lucius met Severus Snape. "Snape!" said Lucius. "My wand's gone wobbly!"

"I have a potion for that!" said Severus Snape. He rubbed the potion on Lucius' wand.

The wand went all slippery and snaky

but it was still wibbly-wobbly

and it wouldn't work.

Lucius met Professor Sprout. "Why, Lucius!" she said. "Your wand's slippery and snaky, wibbly and wobbly! Try this little blue berry!" 

Lucius ate the berry. 

His wand went bendy and bumpy

but it was still slippery and snaky

and wibbly and wobbly

and it wouldn't work.

Lucius met Minerva McGonagall. "Malfoy," she said, "Your wand is bendy and bumpy, slippery and snaky, wibbly and wobbly. Let me transfigure it!"

So she cast a spell

and his wand turned into a pussycat, all furry and fuzzy!

"Turn it back! Turn it back!" yelled Lucius.

So Minerva McGonagall turned the pussycat back into a wand.

But it was still furry and fuzzy

bendy and bumpy

slippery and snaky

wibbly and wobbly

and it wouldn't work.

"Maybe Harry can help," said Minerva McGonagall.

Harry couldn't help. He was busy with his broomstick. "Go ask Dumbledore!"

"Once my wand went wrong," said Dumbledore. "Gellert Grindlewald got it going again. Perhaps you just need the right wizard to work your wand."

"Maybe my wand wants a redhead?" said Lucius.

Ginny Weasley tried to enchant it, but it was still wobbly.

Molly Weasley tried to heat it up in a cup of cocoa, but it was still wobbly.

"Maybe my wand wants a midget?" said Lucius.

Fenius Flitwick hung a charm on it, but it still wouldn't work.

"Maybe my wand wants somebody big and beardy?" said Lucius.

Hagrid tried dipping it in basilisk juice. But it still wobbled and dibbled.

"Maybe my wand wants twins?" said Lucius.

Parvati and Parma Patil poked and prodded and patted. But the wand wouldn't work.

"Maybe red-headed twins?" said Lucius.

Fred and George Weasley wiped it with Weasley's Wizarding Wand Wax. But the wand was still wibbly.

"Maybe a house-elf?" said Lucius.

Dobby put a sock on it, but it just went wibble, wobble.

"Maybe a socialite?" said Lucius.

Horace Slughorn called in the entire Slug Club to work on the wand. But it still wobbled, and it wouldn't work.

"Maybe a Senior Undersecretary?" said Lucius.

Dolores Umbridge tried punishing it. The wand went wibble, wobble.

"Maybe a wand expert?" said Lucius.

Mr. Ollivander wrapped brass rings around it. The wand went wobble, wibble.

"Maybe a sister-in-law?" said Lucius.

Bellatrix Lestrange stuck steel pins through it. But it just went wobblier than ever.

Everybody tried.

Ron and Hermione tried.

Percy and Bill tried.

Sirius and Remus tried.

Even Draco tried.

And still the wand went wibble, wobble, wibble, wobble.

Poor Lucius cried.

"My wibbly wobbly slippery snaky bendy bumpy furry fuzzy wand won't work!"

He went for a walk.

Poor Lucius walked and walked and walked.

He worried about his wibbly wobbly slippery snaky bendy bumpy furry fuzzy wand.

"Why won't my wand work?" he cried.

"Why must my wand wobble?"

He walked and walked for weeks and weeks until he came to a strange house in the west.

It was Luna Lovegood's house.

"Hello, Lucius. What's wrong?"

"My wand's what's wrong!"

She looked at his wand. "Oh my! It's all furry and bendy

and slippery and fuzzy

and bumpy and snaky," said Luna.

"And it's gone all wibbly and wobbly and it WON'T WORK!" said Lucius.

"Well, we'll work on your wand!"

So Luna Lovegood picked up his wand

and she poked and prodded and patted

twisted and whirled

pointed and twirled

and suddenly his wand wasn't wibbly or wobbly at all!

"IT'S WORKING!" yelled Lucius

and he grabbed his wand in both hands

and he pointed and whirled

twisted and twirled

and MAGIC flew out of his wand!

"Thank you!" said Lucius. "You fixed my wonderful wand!"

"It wasn't broken at all," said Luna.

"It went wibbly-wobbly because you waved it too much. It just wanted a rest."

So Lucius went home, holding his wand all the way.

It didn't wibble or wobble once.

It was still furry and fuzzy

bendy and bumpy

slippery and snaky

but Lucius didn't mind one bit

and neither did Narcissa.


End file.
